USC GOP

The geniuses at the NCAA have once again shown that they should all be consulted on how to win the war on terror, in a sensitive Kerry-style fashion, by deciding that:


"Colleges and universities may adopt any mascot that they wish, as that is an institutional matter," said Walter Harrison, chair of the Executive Committee and president at the University of Hartford. "But as a national association, we believe that mascots, nicknames or images deemed hostile or abusive in terms of race, ethnicity or national origin should not be visible at the championship events that we control.

Eighteen colleges and universities continue to use Native American imagery or references and are subject to the new policy:

Alcorn State University (Braves)
Central Michigan University (Chippewas)
Catawba College (Indians)
Florida State University (Seminoles)
Midwestern State University (Indians)
University of Utah (Utes)
Indiana University-Pennsylvania (Indians)
Carthage College (Redmen)
Bradley University (Braves)
Arkansas State University (Indians)
Chowan College (Braves)
University of Illinois-Champaign (Illini)
University of Louisiana-Monroe (Indians)
McMurry University (Indians)
Mississippi College (Choctaws)
Newberry College (Indians)
University of North Dakota (Fighting Sioux)
Southeastern Oklahoma State University (Savages)


I guess Southeastern Oklahoma State has offended Michael Savage the well known radio talk show host. Yes, linking your school to a right-winger is indeed offensive.

Perhaps the University of Illinois can change its name easily from "Illini" to the "Illin'" or "Chillin'" and come up with a new rap song for its fight song. Oops... rap is associated with minority groups and to call something a "fight" song is hostile on its face, so scrap that. Perhaps it can become the "Electioneers" in tribute to the state of Illinois' fine democratic tradition.

I can certainly understand the objection to the Carthage College Redmen. What good redman would want to be associated with a college that takes its name from a city that lost (that would be the Carthaginians). I know that when my fine Irish skin burns and turns red, I am embarassed enough. I certainly don't want to be associated with historical losers.

Missisippi College would have an easy change if the NCAA wasn't so uppity about tobacco. It could just change their name to the Chaws. Perhaps if they have a stick of bubble gum as their mascot it will still work.

And whoever thought that the name "Indian" was acceptable should be ashamed. Afterall, all those Americans who have lost their jobs to Indians due to outsourcing to India must cringe every time they open a sports page. Maybe all of the schools who have that mascot can change their names to the "Cabdrivers" or "7-11's."

The University of North Dakota could cash in on a name change if it chooses to go corporate. How about the "North Dakota Sue Honey Bees?" Toast, anyone?

Unfortunately, the NCAA has failed to address several other schools with insensitive monikers.

Sorry Notre Dame. I'm Irish, and given your recent poor performance on the field you neither deserve nor have earned the right to use "Irish" in your name. Additionally you are a FRENCH school, so stop running away from your roots (oops, sorry, running away is in your roots)... and that whole "fighting" bit is just so hostile. Can't we all just get along?

As a Roman Catholic, I have to let my own alma mater know that the name "trojan" can be seen as a direct slap at my beliefs against artificial contraception, and, therfore the school must change its name. Perhaps we can henceforth be known as "The Rhythm."

UNLV will have to change its mascot to, I guess just "The Runs" since the "Rebel" moniker could be deemed offensive by African-Americans. Perhaps UNLV can work in a sponsorship with Pepto-Bismol. Pink uniforms aren't so bad.

I am sure that the Sierra Club and other like-minded environmentalists will object to the poor way in which Stanford uses its tree mascot. I suggest that Stanford simply be known as the John Leland Stanford Junior Mints.

PETA will likely demand that the Texas Longhorns, the Georgia Bulldogs, the Florida Gators, etc. refrain from using animal mascots as it dehumanizes them (and all this time I thought PETA stood for "People Eating Tasty Animals." Boy, was I wrong!).

The University of Tennessee Volunteers are insulting all good volunteers by wearing a hideous shade of orange and singing Rocky Top that includes these offensive lyrics:


Aint' no smoggy smoke on Rocky Top
Ain't no telephone bills
Once I had a girl on Rocky Top
Half bear, other half cat
Wild as a mink,
but sweet as soda pop...

That's why all the folks on Rocky Top
Get their corn from a jar...

I've had years of cramped-up city life
Trapped like a duck in a pen
All I know is it's a pity life
Can't be simple again"


Surely the NCAA will not allow UT fans to sing this song at NCAA championship events as it is so offensive on many levels: Urbanites who suffer from having to live in a smoggy environment are attacked; there is some weird bestiality going on that will offend PETA (girl/human who was half bear, half cat, with mink like qualities); and, members of Alcoholics Anonymous will certainly rail against the corn from a jar reference.

I am sure that the NCAA will want Holy Cross to lose the Crusaders name since it might upset Osama bin Laden.

Finally, the University of Syracuse will have to lose the name Orangemen as it demeans all (especially sun-sensitive Irish types) who can only get a spray on tan.

If I have missed any inappropriate names, please report them directly to:

Bob Williams
Managing Director of Public and Media Relations
317/917-6117

Thank heavens the NCAA is on the job!