Tuesday, October 26, 2004


Your First Date with John

I am sure that I am not the first to ever feel that the cadidates for higher office were wooing the public with embellished stories regardless of party moniker. But the Kerry candidacy is the first to give me a creepy feeling.

You see the following in the Washington Post classifieds:

Wanted: "Sexy-young and beautiful country."
Me: "The perect male cadidate."

Okay, so you (the American public) bite and go out on a date before making the final commitment.

John Kerry is trying to convince you that he is the ultimate tall, mysterious, sensitive, regular-joe, cosmopolitan, sexy, sporty, defender of the faith and country type of guy. However, the date has gotten a bit creepy. After a few minutes, you realize that this date is all about HIM, and all that he is saying is highly questionable. Even if you make a comment about yourself, he is most likely to turn it back to himself and make himself seem even more grand. You: "I really enjoy reading, in fact I just..." Him (cutting you off):"Ah yes, I really enjoy relaxing with a fine Brandy while absorbing the unique insights of the greats such as Sartre and Hesse, blah, blah, blah..."

After about the third time of this, you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom with the intention of never coming back. But this is a presidential campaign date. His staffers hunt you down like a 16-point deer. So, it is back to the date table for you!

How many times does he have to tell you that he served in Viet Nam and defended this country as a young man? In light of his testimony and actions in the 1970s, that was a conflict in which we should not have been involved. So, one must conclude that no one was defending the U.S., and that he was actually embarrassed about his participation. You KNOW better. You keep looking at your watch.

His story about being a life-long hunter is okay, but when you realize that his story about deer hunting in Massachussets is bunk, then you have to question his manly-man status as a hunter. You KNOW better. You say no to dessert.

Care to kick back at the American pastime and share a beer with him for your second date? Does he even really go? He claims to have been at the World Series in New York on the fateful night that Bill Buckner booted the ball, but he was actually in Boston for a fundraiser. You KNOW better. You pick up the check (come on, you had to see that one coming!), and run away.

But he is not like one of those "I'll call you again sometime" type guys. He keeps calling and calling and calling and...

But he seems so smart and rich! Maybe you were wrong!

You weren't.

Please don't fall for "vote for me on Tuesday, and I will still respect you in the morning," and "vote for me on Tuesday, and everything will be just as safe as it was on 9/10 as I hold you in my United Nations arms" lines he is throwing at you. However, be forewarned that if you vote against him, and he loses, he (and his lawyers) will stalk you like a crazy rejected lover.

Stop answering personals that sound too good to be true. Go with the man who knows life can be hard, but wants to share the good times with you and help you through the bad. Vote for Bush.

Edited at 9:45 a.m.

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